Unlearning Monogamous Conditioning – Key Takeaways & Resources

What if the ways we’ve learned to love are limiting us?

This week, we gathered to unpack a powerful topic: monogamous conditioning – the societal messaging that tells us monogamy is the only valid way to love, be loyal, or build a relationship.

Whether you’re newly curious about non-monogamy or deep into your own unlearning journey, the workshop was an affirming space to explore how these ingrained ideas shape our desires, our fears, and our relationships.

Here’s a recap of what we explored, plus a list of resources to support your continued growth:

What is Monogamous Conditioning?

Monogamous conditioning is the set of cultural norms and messages that frame monogamy as the only “natural,” moral, or successful way to do relationships. It often includes beliefs like:

There is one person out there who will meet all your needs.
Love means exclusivity – emotionally, romantically, and sexually.
If your partner is attracted to or loves someone else, it threatens your bond.
Jealousy is proof of love.
A “real” relationship should follow the relationship escalator:
Dating → Exclusivity → Sex → Cohabitation → Marriage → Kids → Forever

These ideas are so embedded in movies, songs, religion, and pop culture that we often don’t question them. But they can lead to pressure, shame, and feelings of failure when we want something different – or when monogamy doesn’t feel like it fits.

Reframing the Narrative

In the workshop, we each identified one monogamous belief we’ve internalized and practiced rewriting it. Some examples:

Old Belief: "If my partner loves someone else, it means they love me less."
New Belief: "Love isn’t a finite resource – my partner’s joy can enrich our connection too."
Old Belief: "A relationship that ends was a failure."
New Belief: "Relationships can be meaningful even if they evolve or end."

Key Reflections from Participants

“I didn’t realise how much shame I carried around wanting more than one connection.”
“It felt good to say out loud that I don’t want to do relationships the way I was shown and taught anymore.”
“Unlearning takes time, it's hard, very very hard, but it also feels like taking back my choice.”

Keep Exploring – Polyamory & Non-Monogamy Reading List

Books:

Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jethá
Polysecure – Jessica Fern
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families edited by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff
The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola
The Ethical Slut – Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton

Podcasts:

Multiamory
Normalizing Non-Monogamy
Queersplaining
The Kinky Nerd
Remodeled Love

Final Thoughts

Unlearning monogamous conditioning isn’t about rejecting monogamy – it’s about reclaiming choice. About getting curious, not just about how we want to love others, but how we want to love ourselves.

If this workshop resonated with you, keep talking, keep questioning, and most importantly – keep imagining new ways of relating that feel aligned with who you really are.

We’ll be back with more non-monogamous gatherings soon. Until then, love expansively